III: Instead of smoking, why not...

11. Contact conspiracy-oriented websites and confess to the assassination of Pope John Paul II using an undetectable, top-secret, government-issue poison.

12. Purchase 30 bags of ice. Invite your ward's alderman to your house for drinks. If this proves difficult, simply lure the official by using a guaranteed-to-succeed ruse such as, "I'd really like to make a substantial donation to your next campaign fund but would feel more comfortable meeting you first, before parting with such an extravagant sum." Once your representative is comfortably seated, there are two ways you can proceed. If you like the cat and mouse game, feel free to spend several hours chatting amiably while pouring generous drinks for him and non-alcoholic beverages for yourself, until said official is out cold. If you're the impatient type, one drink mixed with a generous amount of knock-out pills or other disabling substance should suffice. When your prey is unconscious, place him in bathtub. Fill bathtub with pre-purchased ice. Remove kidney. (Refer to medical texts if necessary.)

13. Go out for dinner. Order a Coke and something with a sauce. Halfway through your meal, motion the waiter over. When he arrives, look concerned. Ask if the sauce contains oregano (or basil, mushrooms, etc.) and claim a serious allergy to the ingredient you've chosen. When he goes to check with the kitchen, fill mouth with pre-bought package of Pop Rocks. Drink Coke. Drool. Await waiter's return. (For added realism, droop head back and clutch chest.)

14. Acquire a skittish, medium- to large-sized cat, 5 empty tuna tins (156 g each) and ball of twine. Using twine, attach one tin to cat's tail and others to each leg. Set cat loose in china or crystal shop.

15. Go to local church during Sunday mass. Nail doors shut. Blast Black Sabbath albums until parishioners surrender.

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Instead of smoking, why not...
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