Instead of smoking, why not...

1. Visit a skateboard park. Watch Jimmy fall. Watch Jimmy choke back tears. Watch Jimmy limp. Repeat.

2. Practice a different voice. Master it. Make a list of friends and call each one up using your new voice. Unless you're truly gifted, avoid over-reliance on cliché accents such as English, Jamaican or Asian. Convince the abovementioned friends you're from Revenue Canada, the immigration department or from the local motor vehicle licences office. These are just a few suggestions. Be creative. Keep calls brief to maintain the illusion. Mention an outstanding debt or grave inconsistency in a fabricated form. (To make up a form, simply pick several letters and numbers and string them together.) For example: "We have some serious concerns about information contained in your 73-HW6-T claim form. We are legally bound to inform you that we are conducting an internal investigation. Your reference number is B-2549." Then hang up.

3. In the middle of the night, or when you're certain she's away, transplant your neighbour's garden into your own backyard. Be exact. If she had petunias on the right, pansies on the left, and two bunches of ornamental grass in the centre, maintain that design. Take a snapshot beforehand if necessary. (N.B. This one may require the assistance of a friend or two. Pick colleagues who are trying to quit smoking as well. If that's not feasible, pick pals who are as equally bitter as you, but for different, more disturbing reasons.)

4. Dress to the nines. Visit the poshest and most elegant restaurants you know. (Research on the Web as required.) Phone up each one to assure it's booked solid during the dinner hour. Then show up and try to bribe the maitre d'. With Pez.

5. Pick the meanest neighbour on your block. On Sunday morning, wait until that there are plenty of witnesses. Then wash and wax his car. (Feel free to substitute other chores here; eaves cleaning, bush trimming, outdoor house painting, etc.) Knock on the door and loudly ask for compensation. When he refuses, sue for breach of contract.

For more of this list, read:
II: Instead of smoking, why not...
III: Instead of smoking, why not...
IV: Instead of smoking, why not...