II: Instead of smoking, why not...

6. Purchase an authentic samurai costume and sword. (Use Internet if viable source of costumes or swords is not available in your area.) On weekends, don outfit and use sword to trim bushes, shrubs and trees in full view of neighbours.

7. Build a pit in the backyard. Capture large squirrel. Capture small raccoon. Borrow neighbour's Pomeranian. (If this isn't possible, visit the Canadian Kennel Club for more about dog breeds.) Place all three in pit. Stand back.

8. Master Elaine's "little kicks" dance from Seinfeld. Perform it each week during your trip to the supermarket, preferably by the deli counter. If it's a weekend, try hitting the baby food and diapers aisle.

9. Know someone who lives to argue? Of course you do. Find said person and say something outrageous. For example: "Richard Nixon's wife Pat was the gunman on the grassy knoll. She killed JFK." Be firm. Quote fictitious Internet sources as required. Sit back and enjoy.

10. Find recipe for five-course gourmet meal. Invite pretentious friends, colleagues and/or acquaintances to your house. Prepare gourmet meal and serve in dog or cat bowls. Do not provide cutlery. Situate communal water dish at table centre. Lap from it regularly.

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