When not to smoke

OK. At this point, despite my sporadic and half-baked attempts at quitting smoking, I'm certain it's become abundantly clear that my rough-and-tumble, on-again, off-again love affair with tobacco runs pretty deep. However, despite my questionable regard for rules in general and outward disdain for many of the agreed-upon rules of societal conduct, I've seen some folks spark a butt at some highly inappropriate moments.

So, in this moment of long weekend, morning-after weakness, I will provide some helpful suggestions, times when you really shouldn't light up a smoke:

• when you're riding a bike
• when you're picking your dad up from chemo
• when you're eating a bologna sandwich
• when you're pumping gas
• when the guy is filling up your barbecue's propane tank
• when the priest is handing out communion wafers
• when you're having an asthma attack
• when someone in the car with you is having an asthma attack
• when you're waiting in the supermarket express lane
• when the judge is passing sentence on you
• when you're covered in kerosene